Happy Tiddie Tuesday, or Freaky Friday. Who knows what day you’re reading this on! With all the Fate news and announcements, it’s time to hop on the bandwagon and dive down the rabbit hole of Type-Moon’s highest-grossing franchise. Since the launch of the mobile game, Type-Moon has employed and commissioned dozens of artists with unique styles to design (and redesign) servants new and old. While every character is based on fictional and historical figures, only one other thing is for sure: everyone’s hot, regardless of historical accuracy. So, if you’re in need of some motivation to join your friends, or just got bored and fell upon this from a Google search only 12-year-old boys would make, here are the Top Nineteen Tiddies of all obtainable servants in Fate/Grand Order.
Remember, we play video games for the plot.
19 & 18. Gilgamesh (Caster)
Well, we have to start somewhere. He may not have the most bulging chest of all the Fate boys, but one thing his Caster version has over his Archer self is that his tiddies are out, proud, and beautiful. All he’s missing is a tax exception and a taste for free-form jazz. Flat chested husbandos need love, too. Dare to even call them… enchanting? With Gilgamesh ruling Uruk, it’s not hard to see why the desert is so hot! No wonder Ishtar tried to seduce him. She may not be married to the sexiest desert king alive way back in 2500 B.C., but today she can summon him on her phone and lick her screen, and so can YOU!
17 & 16. Fergus mac Róich
Who would have guessed that Brock from Pokémon had a hot cousin? Beer and a big chest? This scandalous Irish hero doesn’t need much else to impress. Between a smokin’ hot torso and being a king, this guy is just like your rich friend from college that you never had, with battle scars to boot! There isn’t much else to him than that, but hey, he’ll always be remembered for two big things: his tiddies. A fresh mug of wheat piss won’t be the only thing quenching your thirst tonight!
15 & 14. Napoleon
Fancy, French, and getting us feverish ever since he was first announced! We’ll have to spare you all the NSFW fanart that’s flooded Twitter and Pixiv. He may have a lot more to show off, but sadly Napoleon keeps the treasure tucked away at all times. Good thing, too. Showing them off would probably start a second French Revolution. At least he still rocks with his cleavage showing. The muscle tone is so sharp you could use his tiddies to clean the scales off a fish! Sign us up for the next war!
13 & 12. Cu Chulainn (Beserker)
What exactly makes Beserker Cu superior to his Lancer or Caster variations? The answers are obvious. Those tids are so defined that Saber could use his cleavage to sharpen Excalibur. His tids are so strong he could catch Emiya’s arrows between them. His luck stat is so low and his tids are so thicc he once died from choking on his own nipples. Good thing he has Guts to bring himself back from the dead. Cu may die more times than Kenny from South Park, but I’m sure he’d be happy to know his funeral was never without a full audience, and him being buried shirtless.
11 & 10. Leonidas I
In Sparta, they sent off their warriors to battle saying “Come back with your shield, or on it.” In Leonidas’ case, he always left and came back with all three. He wasn’t said to have a body of steel because bullets didn’t deflect off his massive chesticles. Ever wonder where Wonder Woman got her super power to deflect bullets off her body just like Superman? Me neither, BUT it most definitely came from Leonidas. His tiddies are so huge that he calls them the Taygetus mountains. Let’s not even mention what he calls the Thermopylae mountain pass!
9 & 8. Beowulf
Beowulf? More like BEAowulf. It’s not hard to see why he was the one to survive as the oldest known character of Old English epic poetry. His tids are probably the only reason he didn’t die immediately when he was bitten by the dragon. He took a whole day to sink to the bottom of the Lake of Monsters only because his tiddies are big enough to count as flotation devices. Ancient legend even says that the secret to forging Damascus Steel is buried deep in his chest cleft. When are we getting the deserved remake to the 2007 film, staring Beaowulf’s tiddies, and his tiddies ONLY?!
7 & 6. Li Shuwen
Crouching tiger, and hidden shields under his shirt. Li Shuwen’s man boobies were so strong that he once won a spear battle by disarming his opponent by squeeze their pole between them. Qin Shi Huang took one look at those massive pectorals and immediately was inspired to build the Great Wall of China. Can’t imagine why he was such a popular teacher in his days.
5. Thomas Edison
OwO What’s this? America’s Founding Father? More like Fate’s Furry Daddy! This man only snags one number slot thanks to the one tiddy he has. Hard to say if there’s two with his magical chest canon bridging the gap. Katy Perry and Lady Gaga can’t compete. There’ll be more than just whipped cream and machine-gun bullets firing out when the lion roars! But what? Probably the crippling debt of capitalism. Eat patriotism, terrorists!
4 & 3. Hercules
Berserker? More like BEARserker. Mammaries? More like MANnaries. So close to the end, but not quite the legend he was in Greece. Hercules’s two massive man muffins snag 4th and 3rd place. One lost tale of Hercules said that he was challenged to make olive oil and he did so by mixing his sweat with his tiddy milk. The real Cliffs of Gibraltar are not between Europe and Africa. They are, in fact, in the divide between Hercules’ titanic man tids. He actually had a secret 13th labor and it was to lug those giant slabs of meat around, stapled to his chest for the rest of his life.
2 & 1. Iskandar
It should come as no surprise that the King of Conquerors conquered the competition. Alexander the Great may have been small when he was a child, but the saying “big where it counts” still suits him well. Iskandar is so powerful that every time his pecks rub together an earthquake occurs. The frozen remains of Iskandar’s gigantic tids are what actually sank the titanic. His tiddies are so fat that Amanda Lepore just showed Iskandar’s picture to her plastic surgeon and said “Like this please.” He may be a Rider class servant, but he only got that assignment from riding his own tiddies’ coattails all the way to world fame.
