You heard that right, everyone. I’ve come to inform you about the 2024 Penis Festival in Yokohama. Every year, natives and foreigners come together and run a train to Kanayama Jinja Shrine. For two weekends, attendees enjoy a double helping of phallic festivities and traditional culture. What can you expect at the Penis Festival? A lot of dicks and loads of fun. Here’s what we did.
A Gentle Entry
The original point of the Penis Festival was for a celebration and desire of fertility and sexual health. Supposedly, sex workers often came and prayed for protection from STIs, for example. Today, the festival has become a bit of an annual joke, attracting more foreigners than Japanese people. With that said, all participants are clearly in on the laughs, eager to have a day of silly fun sucking on candy cocks. Don’t forget to bring your kids. It’s an all-age event, after all. Everyone can enjoy penises!
After coming and then arriving at the festival area, we had to wait in the entry line for precisely an hour and a half. It’s a popular tourist attraction in about half an acre of land. The coordinators are strict about how many people at once can be on the shrine grounds. I recommend getting there as early as possible. Thankfully, this time of year isn’t scorching hot. It’s not an unpleasant wait. We just played Honkai Star Rail the entire time.
Sweet to Swallow Candy
Upon entering the Penis Festival grounds, you’re bombarded with cheap food stands offering candy all shaped like penises and some like vaginas. Those aren’t as popular for obvious reasons. The most popular candy was a strawberry-flavored sucker about six inches in length for 300 yen. There were also black penises that were chocolate flavored. Slightly bigger. I wonder why.
Once the line for candy lets out, the Penis Festival blows wide open for enjoyment. Although the area is small, it’s never about size. It’s how you utilize it. Most of it is used for souvenirs and additional food stands. Other spots are dedicated to live penis performances. Performances of… PAINTING! What? What else would you do at a penis festival? That’s right. Local artists come and then show up to paint abstract and surreal portraits of penises available for purchase for all guests. Others make giant sculptures or even candles.
Big Things Cum in Small Packages
Merchants typically sell t-shirts and cheap cardboard hats, but the most stimulating souvenir for purchase is a fundoshi! Traditional Japanese underwear. I happened to get the last one in turquoise! After wearing it around this morning for housework, I have to say it’s pleasantly comfortable. Airy, doesn’t chafe, and it cradles everything nicely. But we don’t need to share photos of my chubby ass in that. Look at this instead:
You’d much rather see Ike, the beefy bara icon of the Fire Emblem series, in a fundoshi. Sadly, we don’t have that because it doesn’t exist. But we do have this exclusive 1/7 scale figure in him featuring his Radiant Dawn design. Order while supplies last!
The main shrine has a donation box. A measly 5-yen coin is enough. Nearby is a secondary smaller shrine with a large rope and bell to ring before praying. However, many choose to pray at the donation box in the open when they don’t want to wait in line for the proper prayer spot.
Other scheduled entertainment included food trucks offering sausages and hot dogs (almost exclusively) and this guy:
I have no idea what this mascot was supposed to represent, but now it will haunt my dreams forever. I named it Mr. Cockblock. He will stop everyone from getting laid.
The only thing that felt out of place for entertainment was the stage setup for dance troupes to perform. I have no clue what a Japanese rendition of Hawaii dance has to do with a penis festival, but needless to say, it was something to enjoy all the same.
And that was our day at the Japan Penis Festival! Have you ever wanted to go? Let us know in the comments below!
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