If you want to live in Japan, there are certain skills you’ll need to acquire. For example, you should be okay with popping something in your mouth without stopping to ask what it is, as food that’s placed in front of you won’t always be something you can identify. (“That can’t really be a baby octopus, can it? OM NOM NOM.”) If you’re taller than 5’9″ (175 cm) or so, you’ll probably need to learn to duck or else bang your head in doorways a lot. There might also come a time when you want to let your friend know he should check out the pretty Japanese girl standing nearby, but do it in a way that the girl can’t understand. This is where speaking extremely difficult English comes in handy, since most Japanese won’t be able to pick up on intentionally complex words, like, “Hey John, I recommend that you examine the specimen of the opposite gender standing off your starboard bow. A delightful and tantalizing example of the human form, wouldn’t you say?” I’ve had extensive conversations in front of members of the opposite sex, cloaking my conversation in this way, although the longer you live in Japan, the harder it becomes to recall really difficult words. Another suggestion is to use Pig Latin, a great way to obfuscate anything you want to say, since Japanese people don’t know what it is. “Ook-lay at-tay at-thay ueaituful-bay irl-gay!” You never know what skills you’ll need in Japan.
