Rune Factory 4 is just as fun as it always was, but I have a small problem. See, the first time around I played as Frey, the female protagonist, and my choice of spouse was a no-brainer: I had to marry Dylas, the guy who was part-horse, because…c’mon, he was a blue horse. Little girls love horses, we sometimes grow up into grown women who love horses, and none of the other bachelors in the game could hold a candle to Dylas’ majestic, equine nobility. This time around, I’m playing as Lest, the male protagonist, and I have no idea who to marry. This is a more important decision than you might think since it affects gameplay and I’m a straight woman. This is a rare chance to see how the other half lives.
I had a great time playing through Rune Factory 4 the first time. While I enjoyed the third installment in the series years ago, the game was often tedious. RF4 nails the ratio: it’s still full of farming and grinding (farming in every sense of the word, come to think of it), but there’s enough variety that it never gets boring. Between growing crops, dungeon-crawling, monster training, fishing, crafting, and cooking, there’s always something to do whenever you need a change of pace. Plus, there’s just enough plot to keep you engaged in the world of Selphia, but not enough to make you feel guilty if you ignore the story and grow imaginary pumpkins for a few in-game years.
With the announcement of Rune Factory 4 Special for the Nintendo Switch, I started thinking about replaying the game. Now, the smart thing to do would be to say “Hey, I own a Nintendo Switch. I should wait until the enhanced port comes out, then replay this game with brand-new features!” Yes, that would be prudent. Instead, what I did was pick up my 3DS and start a brand new file on RF4, because once I was thinking about it, I had to play it, and who needs things like “efficiency” or “common sense?” I started playing a few days ago and I’m already two dungeons in; Dolce, I’m coming for you!
I’m going to go down the list of eligible bachelorettes and try to figure out who to take as my blushing bride. Remember, this is a serious decision because spouse choice affects what skills my Rune Factory child will have, even though by the time I’m ready to have a child in-game, I will likely be so over-leveled and overpowered that it won’t actually matter…wait, what? Never mind, let’s just pretend it’s important and leave it at that.
Eligible Bachelorettes
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- Amber: A tiny girl with butterfly wings, Amber is the choice for those who want the cutest wife on the block. She also wields a giant hammer as her weapon of choice, which is always good. She has some unique uses in combat too, like the ability to inflict sleep status on the enemy. Children of Amber can inherit the skill Tornado Swing, which is…okay, I guess? I’d rather they inherited the wings and the sleep spell, but we have to let our children be who they’re going to be, you know?
Chances I will waifu her: High. The combination of heavy damage with the hammer plus the sleep debuff is appealing, plus she’s just so darn cute, it’s like marrying a Pokemon. Not that I want to marry a Pokemon or anything; Squirtle and I happen to be soulmates, but it’s just not a romantic thing.
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- Clorica: A pretty butler-in-training with a bad habit of falling asleep on a dime. Fortunately, Clorica is more functional than most people while sleeping, and can do all sorts of things while technically unconscious. She has a pretty wide variety of both offensive and defensive skills, but unfortunately, she will sometimes fall asleep right when you’d really like her to heal herself, which is a drag. Clorica’s son or daughter will inherit Reaper Slash, which is perfectly fine, but nothing to get excited about. At least the child doesn’t inherit narcolepsy.
Chances I will waifu her: Low. The falling-asleep-in-battle thing is hard to forgive, and more importantly, it would feel creepy. In my real life, I’m notorious for taking naps all the time in all sorts of inconvenient places, so marrying Clorica would be a little bit like marrying myself, and I’m not sure I want to be that kind of narcissist. There’s only enough room in this household for one lazy asshole, you know?
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- Forte: Or as I like to call her, “Fake Saber.” Forte is a knight-in-training with considerable strength. She’s on a mission to hide her love of cake from everyone in the village — like they don’t all already know — and it’s pretty adorable. She’ll help you out in battle way before the other townsfolk will give you the time of day, meaning most players end up using her in battle for a while even if they don’t marry her. She’s a solid attacker, and comes with Cure-All for added versatility, but doesn’t have a compelling reason to stay in your party once the other townsfolk warm up to you. Her kid will inherit her sword skills, which is good if you plan on having a boy, since the boy is a better physical attacker. Hmm, should I have a boy or a girl? Wait, I’m deciding on a spouse, let’s not make things any more complicated.
Chances I will waifu her: Low. Her strength early-game doesn’t really keep up with some of the other characters from what I recall, and unlike about 80% of the people on Planet Earth, I’m not obsessed with a certain golden-haired, gender-swapped English monarch. For the record, my husband doesn’t think that Forte looks that much like Saber from Fate/Stay Night at all and I’m just being stupid, so he’s got your back, Forte-lovers.
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- Margaret: A beautiful elf who aids you in battle with a variety of powerful spells, Margaret has a lot to offer. Unfortunately, she didn’t make much of an impression on me on my first playthrough, so I don’t remember much about her; I imagine she had a storyline at some point, but I could not tell you what it was for any amount of money in the world. She’s probably the best healer in the game, and having a mage for support makes sense, since most players are going to play as frontline fighters. Magic does exist in RF4, so you can play as a mage, but err…why would you want to? Unless you’re playing some kind of bizarre challenge game, you don’t want to.
Chances I will waifu her: Medium. There’s a strong case to be made for her as the best wife in terms of battle mechanics; as far as I know, she’s the only one who gets a new skill in battle if you marry her, and it’s a great healing spell. It’s like the game is telling you that you’re supposed to marry Margaret, and that makes me want to be contrary and marry someone else. Besides, I’m so good at combat in RF4, I don’t need a good healer anyway! (translation: I’m always so stupidly over-leveled that healing is irrelevant.) Plus I seem to have something against elves, I have no idea what it is but maybe I should talk to my shrink about it.
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- Dolce: Honestly, Dolce creeps me out. I’m playing through her dungeon right now, and it’s a spooky mansion level, and I am sufficiently wussy that even the cutesy Rune Factory jump scares get to me. Like Margaret, Dolce is a back-row mage, only more focused on darkness-elemental magic than healing. She even has a little ghost-pal that helps her out, which is cute if you sort of put aside the fact that you now have a dead person in your party, technically. She loves sweets, which is supposed to balance out some of her creepiness, but c’mon, like all of the girls in this game love sweets, that’s not special. Forte loves cake like nobody’s business and has the added benefit of not giving me nightmares.
Chances I will waifu her: Zero. The fact that her kid inherits some of her shadow magic is cool, but I don’t want a bizarre gothic puppet-person as the mother of my child. Does that make me a bigot? It might. I mean a big part of the game is becoming friends with a giant dragon, and I’m cool with that, so obviously I’m not just unilaterally closed-minded, right? I am a tolerant, open-minded person, just slightly prejudiced against puppets and ghosts.
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- Xiao Pai: I feel kind of sorry for Xiao Pai. She’s cute, but her mom is hot as hell, and a lot of RF players are disappointed that Lin Fa is not one of the available bachelorettes instead. In addition to the whole Stacey’s Mom situation she’s got going on, Xiao Pai is clumsy and trips randomly, including in battle. She is very offense-oriented though, which is cool. Her preferred weapon is an axe, and all of her moves are damage-dealing. She doesn’t have a single healing ability, which you’d think would be a liability, but we’ve already covered why that’s not an important quality in a mate for me.
Chances I will waifu her: High. Xiao Pai is a dark horse candidate (although unfortunately, not a literal horse the way Dylas is, otherwise I would have to marry her immediately.) She has the cuteness factor of Amber, high damage, and a preference for Asian food that I find appealing. You would think the tripping-in-battle problem would be as annoying as Clorica randomly falling asleep, but if memory serves, Xiao Pai is such a klutz that her trips actually damage enemies sometimes, so it’s an improvement. I’d be a little nervous about such a clumsy girl carrying my child, but pregnancy is only a month in Rune Factory, so I think even she could keep it together for that long. Hear that, people? Pregnancy in Rune Factory takes one month. This is why Rune Factory is the best reality.
So, what do you think? Do you agree with my reasoning, or am I letting my irrational fears of ghosts and elves keep me from the best fantasy wife? In any case, join me once Rune Factory 5 comes out so I can once again put more thought into my fantasy marriage than I did into my real marriage.
[Some information about skill inheritance sourced from here.]
