If you think about it, the world has become a ridiculously convenient place. We’ve solved many of the basic health problems that have plagued mankind for millennia, allowing us to live longer and better lives. We all carry advanced computers in our pockets which let us tap all the information in the world. And for men, if we don’t happen to have a wife or girlfriend to spend sexy times with, there are some amazing alternatives made by Japan’s most creative onahole companies.
I remember when the Japanese onahole boom began, sometime around 2006. We got in these official Bible Black onaholes, which incredibly are still in production, which let you experience sex with your favorite character from that hentai anime. The market has only risen from that point as men both in Japan and around the world realize they can experience realistic sex with a catgirl or a dark-skinned elf from an isekai world any time they want. Like anime itself, there’s no end to the amazing experiences Japan’s smart onahole makers can offer us guys, and I regularly hear statements like “your products make me wish I had a penis” from our female customers.
What Did Men Do Before Onaholes?
But while our new onahole-enabled modern world is convenient, the question can be asked: what did men do before onaholes? Obviously, there’s the usual answer — good old lightsaber practice with Captain Solo, or whatever euphemism you want to use. But seeing as how the Japanese are so darned creative, I was curious to see what Japanese men did before onaholes came along.
The Ramen Masturbation Cup Method
As usual, it’s hard to tell what is real and what is an urban legend when dealing with a topic like this. For example, the “Japanese put leeks up their butts when they get a fever” gag you might see on imageboards is definitely not real. But there are enough references to using ramen as a masturbation tool that I believe it to be the real thing.
In case you were wondering, the “put a leek up your butt if you have a fever” meme is an urban legend. In reality they boil a leek and put it around their necks to warm the body while bundled under blankets. pic.twitter.com/caDW0vV3VA
— Peter Payne (@JListPeter) December 9, 2019
If you want to try it, here are some instructions from this site. Open the ramen noodles and prepare them normally, adding boiling water. Wait three minutes, then throw away the hot water. Wait for them to cool to the desired temperature, then use it through a hole in the top (as shown in the image below) or through a hole cut in the bottom (as in the manga image above).
This method of masturbation is supposed to replicate one of the best sexual experiences, called mimizu senbiki or 1,000 writhing worms, a term that’s hundreds of years old. More on that below.
Peter’s Recommendation: sounds messy, and is probably more trouble than it’s worth.
The Konnyaku Masturbation Method
Another popular (?) way to take care of your daily stress in a creative way is to use a block of konnyaku, a traditional Japanese food called Devil’s Tongue in English which is made from a kind of yam that’s ground up and boiled so that it becomes extremely firm.
When I first encountered konnyaku I didn’t know what to make of it, and it looked like extremely firm sand-colored gelatin. It’s so firm, in fact, that more than a few children and elderly people die from choking on it each year. It’s a very fiber-rich food and extremely low calorie, and safe to eat as long as you always chew it well while eating. It’s known as the “broom of the stomach” in Japan because of the way it sweeps everything out of your insides.
Here’s how to fap using a slab of konnyaku: boil it until it’s the temperature you want it to be. There are two approaches, according to this website: opening a hole and penetrating it, or cutting a long slice and sliding across it, simulating sex inside a woman. It seems to me you could also take two slabs, boil them then somehow connect them, perhaps with several rubber bands, and slide in between the warmed material to do your business.
Peter’s Recommendation: seems solid. Might try it once for science.
The Banana Masturbation Method
This one was new to me, but it makes sense in retrospect. According to this ridiculously detailed Japanese website, there are two ways for a guy to use a banana for self-pleasure. They are:
- Cut the end off the banana and use a spoon to scoop out the insides. Add some lotion and use the intact banana peel as a sheath. Maybe pre-heat the peel with a USB onahole warmer, or leave it on a hot hard drive to warm up.
- An alternate method is to take a 500 ml PET bottle, cut off the opening so that it’s large enough for your penis to enter, then fill the PET bottle with sliced banana pieces, using more than one banana most likely. You can now pleasure yourself with this bizarre banana-filled bottle.
(The website above recommends that you wear a condom while doing this to avoid any unwanted bacteria.)
Peter’s Recommendation: I might never look at bananas the same way again.
Literary Descriptions of Female Vaginas From the Edo Period
In my rather interesting job as a professional reviewer of Japanese onaholes, I encounter many cases where a given toy was designed to invite Japanese to imagine the experience in terms of one of the highly poetic phrases that exist in Japanese to describe “the perfect” vagina.
Reading a Japanese article about, er, the extremely detailed traditional words Japanese have for describing a vagina, like “kazunoko tenjo” (herring roe roof) or “mimizu senbon” (one thousand worms). The generic clipart in the article is making me giggle.https://t.co/saT4gOSYIO pic.twitter.com/ugBI9biuNl
— Peter Payne (@JListPeter) December 3, 2019
If you’ve paid close attention to J-List’s adult products, one word you’ll have encountered is 名器 meiki, which could be translated as a “famous device” but in this case “legendary organ” is probably better. In the onahole world, it’s used to describe a really well-made masturbation toy that the manufacturer is proud of, but it’s actually a very old word, dating all the way back to the Edo Period. It came from a collection of poems called Haifuu Yanagi-daru, which was published every year from 1765–1840. According to one poem, the “perfect vagina” was a “legendary organ that felt like 1,000 worms were writhing inside” (ミミズ千匹 mimizu senbiki). Supposedly “only one woman in a thousand” can boast of such an amazing sex organ. Japan makes some “tentacle onaholes” that try to simulate this.
Another highly valued feature in a meiki vagina is to have a 数の子天井 kazunoko tenjo or a “herring roe roof.” This means that the top of the vagina is extra rough, like rubbing the fish eggs of herring, not something most of us have experience with. The super rough surface of the top of the vagina supposedly feels wonderful for the man. Some onaholes strive to capture this essence for you, like this one.
Yet another word for an excellent female sexual organ is 巾着型 kinchaku-gata or “drawstring purse” type vagina, which can tighten and squeeze a man from a place several centimeters inside. Several onaholes simulate this feature too.
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