...when you think it might be a groovy idea to get one of those multicolored dragon tattoos on your back right after you get your panchu paamu.
...when you go into a coffee shop and head right for the Golgo 13 manga.
...when you've realized the cosmic fact that, no matter where you go in the world, you can find Golga 13 mangas in a 7-11.
...you are doing your thing at a urinal and are not in the least disturbed by the two old ladies who are cleaning up and chatting within aiming distance.
...you are embarrassed to death because the phone number on your name card has changed.
...you believe that Japanese atrocities in WWII are approximately equivalent to American atrocities in Vietnam.
...you feel constrained to comment regularly on how good beer tastes after a hot bath as if you'd just discovered it.
...when you know there aren't nine prefectures in Kyushu.
...you are embarrassed because you don't have the NHK sticker on your door and the neighbors do.
...you draw an X (shime-kiri) on the envelope flap after sealing it.
...you return from a hiking trip with brand-new, unscratched, unsoiled, top-of-the-line hiking gear.
...you think "for beautiful human life" is a nice advertising slogan.
...you are jealous of your friend because the camera strap that came with his new Minolta camera says "With you for the best scenes of your life" and yours doesn't.(Another true one)
...you are disgusted by the thought of someone eating miso soup with a spoon.
...you find a telephone booth that is not plastered with stickers of sexy young ladies and find something is missing.
...you've passed through all the Three Stages of Eye Aversion when meeting other foreigners.
...while eating dried, shredded ika (squid) with your beer, you say things like, "if my friends at home could only see me now."
...you know instinctively that Matsuda Seiko comes before Matsutoya Yumi in a karaoke book.
...you yearn to have a remote control in the bathroom to control the washlet, boudieoux, butt-dryer, etc.
...you are not surprised when, in an old home in rural Japan, you use the bathroom, only to find a giant color poster of James Dean staring at you in the hallway
...you think James Dean is one of the most important actors of the 20th century.
...when you can sing the Japanese versions of Uchusenkan Yamato (Star Blazers) and/or Mach Go Go Go (Speed Racer) and have done so on top of Mt. Fuji (I did it!).
...when you have sung the theme song to Uchisenkan Yamato atop Mount Fuji, a bottle of "Regain" in hand and are proud of this fact, and have a picture of it on your homepage (true story).
...when you hear words like "crunky generation" "mooney man" "Bongo Friendy" "charmy green" and "mapple" and do not get the heebie-jeebies.
...when you get tired of taking pictures of men doing tasshon (stand-'n-pee) outdoors.
...when you see signs saying "please do not tasshon here" or "beware of chikan" and don't think call your mom to tell her.
...if you have, at any time, been engrossed in an "easy reader" novel or other work intended for ESL learners (Love Story, 1500 word level, I couldn't put it down).
...if you're thinking that you can use this document as a discussion topic to kill an hour of your English class.
...if you can sing along with the "Ishimaru Denki," "Satoh Musen," or "Bunmeido Castella" commercial songs in Japanese.
...when you have an ATM card in your wallet called Happy Time Card Dick.
...when you think powdered coffee creamer is "milk."
...when you think that JET is Japan's Peace Corps.
...when you abbreviate White Day as "H.D." (for 'Howaito') on your palm as a reminder to buy some chocolate for your girlfriend. (I actually did this!)
...when you can't remember whose picture is on all the money and coins from your native country.
...when a truck backs up playing the Parade of Lights theme from Disnelyand and this seems cute to you.
...when your hair turns white upon hearing of a gaijin friend who slept in his tokonoma because he thought that was what it was for.
...when you've learned to write you fours so that they don't look like 9s to the Japanese.
...if you think that people from America can't pick up things on the floor with their feet but Japanese can.
...if you never turn your headlights on during the day because Japanese people never do it.
...if you can write the kanji for eikyou right now, while reading this.
...when "short-timer" gaijin say to you, "So, you gonna stay here forever or what?" and you get annoyed.
...if, when the store you made a special trip to is closed that day, you calmly turn around and go home, perhaps making a note of the store's teikyubi in your mind.
...a foreigner who just got here asks "is it legal to have beer on the train?" and you laugh out loud.
...when that same foreigner who has just arrived as a "theory about Japan" (such as "everything is about death here") and you listen with mock interest, making mental notes to add to your "you've been in Japan too long page when" page later
...when that same foreigner says something like, "After I learn Japanese..." and you smile privately to yourself.
...if, right now, you're not sure what year it is in seireki.
...if you say things like "almost students are late to school."
...if you have great difficulty using a romanized Japanese-to-English dictionary because you are thinking in a-ka-sa-ta-na order instead of alphabetical order (the truth can hurt).
...if you don't wonder that all Japanese believe their ancestors were samurai.
...when you are uncomfortable using the word "bathroom" for "toilet" since they're really totally different.
...when you know what it is to wake up in the morning and find a chopstick wrapper with a girl's phone number on it.
...you come down on Americans for saying "Americans" when they *really* mean people from the U.S.......while all Japanese around you refer to people from the U.S.--and not Canada, Mexico or anywhere else in the Western Hemisphere--as "Amerika-jin."
...if you think there is nothing strange about watching the Superbowl half-time sports news and having the newscaster tell you the outcome of the game, before they've broadcast the second half.
...it is mendokusai for you to differentiate between count and non-count nouns in English.
...when you have learned to substitute 'tissue' for the word 'Kleenex' because you know that everyone will understand you better.
...when you know what an 'American dog' is.
...when you put on your jacket and slippers, go down to the Daily Store and pick up a package of Perky Bit (it's frozen chicken nuggets).
...when the Å` character means "from" to you (as in, 2:00 Å` 3:00).
...when you've noticed a marked tendency to say 'this one' instead of 'this' when using the word as a noun.
...if you've read Jeff's book about Seiko (I couldn't put it down!).
...if your weight, shoe size, and height in the English measuring system (if you're American) have ceased to be relevant for you.
...if you have mastered the art of starting your car without getting in it yet.
...if you think there that blue and light blue are totally unrelated colors.
...if, while home for Christmas, you go up to a clerk in Mervyn's and ask them where the toilet is, causing them to look at you strange (apparently I should have said 'restroom' or something).
...if you have mastered that squeezing a lemon slice with the chopsticks thing so that you don't get lemon juice on your fingers.
...if you have problems differentiating between "ancestor" and "decendent"...
...when you pronounce the 'e' in 'aloe'...
...when you complain about your "permer."
...if you think a pine tree is found in tropical locales.
...if you absolutely do not posess the ability to refer to the Nation of George Washington by any other name than "the States."
...when you tell someone your TEL.
...when you are capable of uttering a sentence like, "What do you like, shampoo?" (instead of "What shampoo do you like?"), just because there are no other native speakers around you.
...if you love Coffee Jelly like nothing else.
...when you read a book about the 100 Most Influential Men in History and wonder why they left out Emperor Meiji and Clark-hakase.
...when you are at home with Melon Bread.
...when you "send" someone to the station (or "send" a person standing right next to you a gift).
...if you have adjusted to Japanese automatic doors, which are oh-so-subtly different from the ones back home.
...when candy is always hard and "muscat" is your favorite flavor of canned crushed ice.
...when you "put in" gasoline into your card (instead of "buy").
...when you visit your home and when trying to enter your bedroom, you first try to slide the door open, then pull, then just before you yell from frustration, you realize you gotta push.
...when you find it normal to eat curry wrapped in a donut flavored piece of bread.
..when in your home country, you take all your bills to the local 7-11.
...when you watch a rented video, you no longer notice the Japanese subtitles.
...when you read the subtitles to make sure they're right. If they're not, you have a fit and claim how much better of a job you could've done.
...when riding a woman's shopping bike has no effect on your male ego.
...when you finally accept the fact that OIOI is "marui" and not "oi! oi!"
...when you like and sometimes crave "umeboshi taberetto".
...when you can count singing the "ni no shi no ro no ya no to" song
....you don't bat an eye when you pay a $1 for and then gulp down a can of "Pocari Sweat"!
...you can remember when the "meter drop" on a taxi was 110 Yen.
...you initiate the applause when a drunk finishes his song on the last train home!
...you get into the elevator and immediately push the "close door" button.
...you get into the elevator and intentionally stand in front of the control panel so no one can push the "close door" button.
...at a Japanese restaurant in the States you call out to the waitress "Summasen!"
...you get disgusted when a "foreigner" tosses his business card on the table to you.
...someone asks you your blood type (nani gata) and you answer "Gata Gata".
...you are ignored at a government office because everyone is afraid of having to try to deal with you in English. So, you catch someone's eye and INSTANTLY give a quick head nod knowing they will "knee jerk" nod back and having recognized your presence must ask you what you need.
...you are asked what kind of gasoline you want and you reply "Hai Auk". (All true)
...you miss seeing Taiho and Kirinji during the Sumo matches.
... you find an old foreign exchange receipt that shows you got 360 yen for your $1.
...you remember the fight from Osaka to Yonago used new YS11's.
...you long for the days when a bowl of curry rice was 150 yen at the Kobe Curry House.
.. you remember reading the Kansai Action newspaper published by Isokawa san.
...you find the souvenirs you bought at Osaka Expo 70.
...the youngest son of your host family that you used to carry on your shoulders to the sento, gives you his work phone number.
...you fire up the 512K Mac that your friend bought for you at the Tachikawa PX.
...you eagerly wake up at 5:00 in the morning to go fishing at the neighborhood pier knowing that your chances of catching anything over 3 inches is between slim and none.
...you look at pictures of your Honda Z.
...you have lost the subtle difference between the phrases "I'll be waiting in the car" and "I am waiting in the car."
. ..while back in the U.S., you go to a Japanese restaurant and feel very ill when observing other non-Japanese patrons sticking their chopsticks point first into the center of their filled rice bowls (only done with rice for a deceased individual in Japan).
...you automatically fashion a chopstick holder out of the waribashi wrapper by tying a simple knot with it.
...you know how to make a 1 yen coin float in a cup of water (float a piece of tissue on the surface, carefully place coin on tissue, gently knock tissue under the surface without touching the coin, carefuly remove tissue).
...you return to the states and find it odd that there is no speaker blaring music for you when the pedestrian crossing signal is 'walk.'
...you return to the states and discover, much to your annoyance, that you simply can't function without a car in most major cities.
...you discover most of your caucasian friends simply cannot sit "Japanese" style on the floor (seiza) and wonder why you are not in pain when you do.
...you actually look forward to the bip bip beeep tone that most TV stations broadcast every hour on the hour right before a show starts.
...seeing big time U.S. celebritities hawking products on TV is not unusual to you.
...when you practice "safety driving."
...when you pronounce words like "mix" as having three syllibles.
...when you go to a gasoline stand to use their telephone box.
...when, on a cloudy day you open up your umbrella because everyone else has, even though you have not felt a drop of rain.
...when you go into a used bookstore called "YAMANEKO" and think to yourself, hey, that's a character from the famous Miyazawa Kenji novel "The Restaurant of Many Orders."
...you think that Musashimaru's Yokozuna dohyo-iri needs work
...when you start overestimating the amount of time you've been in Japan, because that raises your "status" among other gaijin.
...when you "drink" pills.
...you buy a juicy Australian steak and pour shoyu all over it.
...you remember when schoolgirls had white skin and black hair, not black skin and white hair.
...you think that highly culturally specific, ethnocentric behavior is "common sense", but you need written instructions on how to use a sit-down toilet.
...you start to believe that "foreigner" is an adequate physical description, nationality or ethnotype.
... you walk into Sam Goody/Musicland and wonder where the Oricon Top 30 list is.
... while searching for the Oricon Chart you think they have too much western music and not enough "local" stuff. when you walk up to someone working at Sam Goody/Musicland and ask them where their JPOP section is and they give you a weird look (happened to me)
... when you get frustrated at your 'baka gaijin' friends constantly asking you "How do you say ________ in japanese?" while visiting.
... When you can't type Rome without typing Roma (which is correct, I know, but not English).
... If, at any time, you've allowed people back home believe you were a foreigner to mask something you did wrong (like going into a restaurant in California and asking for a 'non-smoking' table).
...you see a trip to your local karaoke booth place as a 'complete night
out' (dinner, drinks, entertainment).
... You happily sit at your desk at work 'dry brushing' for 10 minutes after
lunch before actually applying toothpaste and going to a sink.
... You are not surprised/irritated when a trip to the nearest ATM followed
by a visit to a convenience store is a more effective way to buy tickets for
something than using an online agency.
... You instinctively know the opening hours of all ATMs in your area.
... You instinctively know to take out enough cash on a Friday to last the
weekend, because of those tricky weekend ATM opening hours.
... You carry more cash in your wallet than you could write a cheque (or
check) for back home.
... When you get back to the states and wave down a taxi and stand in front of the rear door waiting for it to open. When it doesn't and the taxi driver curses you and drives off, you get upset.
... When you go into a restaurant and the notation at the bottom of the menu that says, "all meals served with choice of fries or cole slaw" make NO sense to you and you have to read it 3 or 4 times before you have to ask your friend what it means. (happened to me).
... When you're in a taxi and tell the driver where you wanna go and he doesn't repeat it back to you, you get annoyed and ask him if he heard you with anger in your voice.
... When you're back in your home country and you actually CRAVE Japanese food to the point of getting an upset stomach.
... When your home is a big city in the states and you're actually afraid to go outside while you're home... in your own neighborhood. (I was petrified for a good month; I'm from NYC)
... When you over hear a conversation in Japanese and listen intently snickering knowing that they don't expect you to understand what they're saying.
Got any more? Please email them to me at [email protected]. Thanks!
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